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GONE FISHIN’

That’s right. We’re...

... carpe diem-ing.

BACK SEPTEMBER 8

- Sports Humor -

- Sports Satire -

The Four Seasons

Yes, kiddies, your mommy and daddies and even your teachers are right. There are four seasons in each year: Winter. Spring. Summer. And Football.

And while Summer may seem like the most fun -- what with Summer holidays, trips to the beach, the cottage, the annual pilgrimage to Chicago to see the Cubs get trampled and to Lollapalooza to see the Jesters almost get trampled, and loads of golf (each round, A Series of Unfortunate Events) -- Football is the most important.

Because without Football, you’d probably wanna kill yourself each year at the end of Summer (seriously: at the end of Summer, what’s left to live for except for Football?). And because Football is not only a great season, it’s a super swell sport.

Now, in case you didn’t know, the greatest football league on the planet opens its season... tomorrow. As the Los Angeles Temptation travel to Seattle to take on the Mist in the Lingerie Football League kick-off. With the exception of team uniforms, it’s an ever-expanding league that is bent on world domination. Some folks think the LFL is a total sexist joke. While others think it’s a whole lotta girly giddy up, in garters.

And if the LFL is not your cup of bourbon, that other league -- the National Football League -- kicks off its regular-season on Thursday, September 9th at the Super Dome in Louisiana with the Minnesota Vikings taking on the defending champion New Orleans Saints. We’re not say this is a big, hairy deal. But we know, by rote, as we write, that it’s...13 sleeps away.

This whole season is one big, hairy deal for the NFL. For a variety of reasons. For starters, there’s a rumor out there that Viking quarterback Brett Favre might retire at the end of this season. Secondly, the New York Jets are going to win the Super Bowl for the first time since 1969, according to non other than Rex Ryan (Jets coach and Potty-Mouth Extraordinaire). Oh, and because this may be the last NFL season for a while, what with the looming lockout, and the end of the league as we know it.

Now, we don’t want to go all high-finance on you -- we fully understand the limited mental agility of Jesters regular readers (from the letters we receive we think their names are Clarence and Squirrel Dink -- a nickname, we have to assume) -- but to fully understand why there will be a lockout, you need to know the numbers.

According to Forbes magazine, last year the 32 NFL clubs had revenues in excess of 8-billion-dollars. That’s right, a measly 8+-billion dollars. Only two franchises -- the Detroit Lions and the Miami Dolphins -- actually lost money in what was the Bermuda Triangles of all economies. In other words, for the most part, the league is a license to print money. But, of course, the league and the players cannot -- and probably will not -- be able to figure out how to divide the loot without a lockout. Makes sense, no?

Ah, no.

Given that many are predicting the league and players will indeed shoot themselves in the foot, and we’ll all lose all of next season, we’d better savor this season. Oh, and if/when the league returns in 2012, there’s a good chance it will be with an expanded schedule.

That’s right, despite what every expert is saying -- that expanding to an 18-game schedule, an expansion planted in pure greed, is a bad idea in the long run, leading to player burnout, more injuries, shortened careers and an NFL season that already fumbles into February, marching into March -- the league seems hellbent on going ahead. Most players (at least, most star players -- the players we’d pay to go see) are adamantly opposed.

Likewise, are the Jesters. It’s called overkill. It’s called too much of a good thing. It’s just messing with the four seasons.

Postscript: Dear readers, the Jesters are going fishin’, going carpe diem-ing, figuratively speaking, of course. Have a great end to Summer. And we’ll see you back here on Sept. 8., the eve of Football Season, with, among other things, Einstein’s picks for Week One of the NFL. Be still your beating (or... betting) hearts...

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